Proverbs 18:24 says “A man that has friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.”  

I have had the privilege to meet thousands of people over the last 40 years of travel for missions, vacations and work around the world.  Not just work.  Before I was 18, we had moved 14 times to various neighborhoods and cities.  And I know hundreds of “Jesus Followers” that I believe are the real deal, sincere, honest lovers of their Savior and Lord.  

Fake vs. Real

But despite this, I have very few real friends…….. no, no….. I don’t mean people who call me their friend at the local Pub or those who need a favor from me or who work for me or who have been in a Bible Study or Church service with me!  I am talking about men who will provide for my wife if I unexpectedly died of a heart attack.  Or men who would actually cry at my funeral and really miss me.  Men who I could call in the middle of the night for anything; maybe just to talk about my marriage or my struggle with porn.  You know the type!  Well ………….. maybe you don’t.  

In fact, if you are like most men, especially American men, you don’t have a clue what I am talking about.  You have never had a real friend in your life other than your wife, mother or father; and that’s rare!  

So I have great news for you for this Christmas and New Year season.  Since David W. Smith wrote his book, “The Friendless American Male” in 1983, men are not as lonely and friendless, giving up their macho image to become vulnerable and real with other men.  They have finally realized that women don’t have the monopoly on meaningful, intimate friendships any longer.   Instead, they can be vulnerable without being accused of being effeminate and share their need for encouragement and genuine friendships.  I wish I could say these statements are all true from my personal experience and others.  But they are not!  And the data proves it ranging from 1980 to 2021.

It Ain’t Gettin Better

In 1982, by the age of 65, there were only 75 men alive for every 100 women.  Women were living a full seven years longer than men.  Per David Smith, life-span projections for baby girls born in the early 1980s had reached 80 years.  For baby boys the projection was only about 73 years.

A sad case of facts from the 1980’s and unfortunately it hasn’t gotten any better.  Men are dropping dead of heart attacks, popping pills, pickling their livers, divorcing earlier, getting strokes, rashes, ulcers, tension headaches and dropping into deep depression.  I have experienced most of this in my family and you have seen it in yours as well as others.  And white men are stepping it up a notch.  They are killing themselves!!!

Facts about suicide in the US

• The rate of suicide is highest in middle-aged white men.

• In 2019, men died by suicide 3.63 times as often as women.

• On average, there are 130 suicides per day.

• White males accounted for 69.38% of suicide deaths in 2019.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) Data & Statistics Fatal Injury Report for 2019, retrieved February 9, 2021.

Today, in every country in the world, women still outlive men by an average of 5 years.  Of course there are many reasons for this …. Diet, alcohol consumption, stress, less medical exams and preventive medicine, etc.  But is there another reason for this premature death in men?  What are men missing that women have discovered?

Do you know yourself?  Try this Friendship Inventory developed by David Smith in his book “The Friendless American Male”.  How many can you answer “YES”?

1.     I am able to talk about Christ and the Bible with my friends.

2.    I have told my friends that they are important to me.

3.    My friends can count on me.

4.   I enjoy making new friends – I ask people questions to learn more about them.

5.    I can ask for help if I’m in need.

6.    I respect my friend’s opinions even if different than mine.

7.    I don’t hold grudges.

8.    I sincerely try to understand how other people feel and think.

9.    I listen alertly and avoid distractions.

10. I don’t fear showing my emotions.

11.   I don’t have a competitive win or lose orientation that makes life a succession of contests.

Can Men today Make Real Friends?

I really appreciate Matthew Henry’s commentary on Proverbs 18:24.  

“Christ Jesus never will forsake those who trust in and love him.  May we be such friends to others, for our Master’s sake.  Having loved his own, which were in the world, he loved them unto the end; and we are his friends if we do whatever he commands us.”  

At AbelKeepers, we desire to model the friendship of Jesus.  To be a friend to the end.  To love unconditionally and to be “Keepers” of one another!  Stay tuned for Part 2 of Men Without Friends as we lay out a plan for authentic friendship.